I have moved passed all of my cravings and inappropriate hunger at this point. I no longer want to do drive-by raids on the refrigerator and I’m not finding myself sniping little bits of food randomly. I am in fact having quite the opposite problem.

Typically I eat oatmeal, a bar, my lean & green, a shake, soup and a shake. But lately I am finding I have almost no appetite and I’m really struggling to get all of my necessary meals in. As I’m reaching the end of my variety pack I’m looking at my options for products. Because my life has been super busy lately and I find I have less and less time to eat 6 times a day, I’m thinking I will order a bunch of the Ready-to-Drink Shakes so I can keep them in the fridge both at home and at my office. I realize being “too busy to eat” is an excuse of sorts, but when I am seriously buried at work the last thing that I want to do is go to the other end of the building, make a meal and come all of the way back. This way I will have my meals right at hand near my desk and won’t have to even think twice about getting them in.

I never really thought I would reach a place where eating enough was going to be a problem and I have to admit it is a much better problem to have then being unable to control myself around food. At my office there is always food around somewhere. People bring in donuts and bagels or order out for food from dozens of awesome restaurants. In the beginning it was a struggle to not eat the food laying about but these days I hardly given it a thought. Now If I can just get my meals in order, I will be set!

To help with my weight loss, I’m adding some exercise into my program, probably starting this weekend. I live in Arizona and the weather at this time of year is amazing. It makes me want to get back on my mountain bike and ride and that is precisely what I’m going to do. Last summer I was riding about 10 miles each morning and doing so at a pretty good pace. I stopped when I went on vacation in Tahoe for a week and found the desert temperature to be a bit much when I returned. I haven’t been on my bike much since, certainly not regularly. So I am going to start riding again and hopefully it won’t be too painful! I’m excited to get out and exercise and I’m hoping it makes a big impact on my weight loss program.

I thought a lot about this weekend and the mystery of my diet soda addiction. I realize there is a chemical component to it, with caffeine playing a role as an addictive substance of sorts, but I couldn’t help but feel there is less of a drug-like addiction and more of a behavioral problem attached to it. So, I begin thinking about when and under what circumstances I have been drinking soda and when it gets out of control.

It really didn’t take long for me to realize that having given up carbohydrate heavy meals, I have quickly replaced them with diet soda. At first, I gave up drinking it all together but then realized any time I was in a restaurant I would need something besides the filthy tap water they offer to drink. And that is where it began again, just a casual soda at lunch. Here I am noticing two bad behaviors, both of which are correctable.

The first behavior is much like someone abandoning their diet or weight loss program entirely after “cheating” one time, using the justification of “well, since I just cheated and ruined everything, I might as well give up and over-indulge…” The same sort of process has been going on with diet soda for me…somewhere in the back of my mind a little light went on that told me that “Hey, since you have a casual diet soda at lunch once in a while, you might as well drink it all the time!” Well, we all know this isn’t a good way to think about anything that goes in our mouth whether it be diet soda or a cheeseburger. Moderation is key to any healthy lifestyle and this sort of thinking is the opposite of moderation, so I have taken a key point of change for my new lifestyle from this thought process.

The second behavior is just as detrimental as the first as far as losing weight and keeping it off goes and that is rewards. I realize now that I treat food as a reward. It could be to celebrate something, to mourn something or just to reach a “check point” during my day, either way I am looking at food as a reward of sorts. Even following the Medifast Program closely, I realize that I treat my Lean & Green Meal as a “reward” instead of just a meal during my day. Diet soda is a killer in the same way…I realized that all last week I had allowed myself to have a diet soda with my lunch and therefore was double re-enforcing this idea that my Lean & Green was a reward (as was the soda).

I use the word “reward” in a very general sense to indicate something that I pay myself with. Food and drink is the currency of my life and has been feeding my greedy body for years. I need to disassociate myself from this type of thinking and treat food and drink as exactly what it is…a necessity of life, a passing habit throughout the day. By not treating a meal as this built up pay-off, I can keep myself from over-eating.

I know from some of the comments left on previous posts that some folks think I over-think this whole process and perhaps I do, however as I have stated previously I am in this for a life change, not just to drop some pounds for the summer. If I don’t take the time to think about how I look at food and drinks and how I behave in relation to them I will never be able to maintain a stable weight. I would say that understand yourself and the way you interact with food is the key to life long health. I can point out a couple of things to re-enforce this idea.

First, look at the overall failure rates for some diets. Sure, they work at first to help you drop a bunch of weight, but sooner or later you find the weight back again. For those of you looking to start Medifast or currently on Medifast how many of you are repeat weight loss participants? Second, look at folks who do surgery as a weight loss alternative. It works for a while, but I have known 3 people that have had the bypass surgery and within 2 years had gained some or all of the weight back. None of them followed the recommended eating habits or diets outlined by their doctors and they were right back at fat, but this time with scars and permanent changes to their bodies.

In short, I am lamenting over this a lot to help me come to some sort of understanding with my psyche over what I can and can’t eat, how much I should eat and how often. The Medifast Program is giving me great guidelines for being successful in those areas, but it is up to me to understand the “whys” behind them. It is up to me to remain positive and to change my thinking about what I put in my mouth day to day.

Whew… that was quite a rant, sorry about that!

Well another week has passed and I’m down 2 more pounds! I have to be perfectly honest, I was hoping for more but then I realized, 2 pounds is a loss and it is going to take me a long time to get rid of this fat body I have built over a lifetime. I think for many, one of the biggest triggers of failure in dieting is impatience. We want it gone and we want it gone now! I think this is a product of fat person thinking that will just lead us back to our old eating habits.

I do however recognize some things that have definitely slowed my progress this week. First off, I found myself drinking a bunch of diet soda over the weekend. I can’t say for a medical fact that this is impacting my weight loss, but giving it up made an immediate impact and drinking it again seems to have had an immediate negative impact. Next, I have eaten some overly portioned Lean and Green meals in a last minute effort to make up for missed meals. All of this happened over the weekend as I was super busy in a home remodeling project. I wasn’t getting in my spaced out Medifast meals throughout the day as I was busy and forgetting to eat. I recognize that this isn’t the right way to feed my metabolism and over-eating a single meal is equally as bad. It was a learning experience on many levels for me.

I recognized some things that might help me in the long run to keep the weight off when I have finished the Medifast program. First and foremost, I found that eating many small meals has worked well to limit the total amount of food I take in daily. Second, by waiting too long to eat, I end up over eating, even healthy foods. This reveals to me for the first time the answer to a long standing question in my mind. I just couldn’t figure out how I had gotten fat and stayed fat in the last couple of years when I was only eating twice a day. Well, waiting too long to eat had me gorging during meal time and prior to starting Medifast, those meals I was gorging on were Carbohydrate loaded feasts! No real mystery how I packed on the pounds now!

It was a good week for learning about myself, my body and the importance of following the Medifast program exactly as it is laid out! I remain positive that I can finish this program, lose the weight and finally feel normal!

Well after finally crashing and getting a decent nights sleep, I started my morning with a bit of motivation. As I was passing in front of the bathroom mirror heading for the shower, I noticed some definite changes in my overall body shape. Not just a reduction of pounds, but I can actually see a normal shape resuming to my body features. Not to go too far into the world of what a fat naked man looks like as I’m sure no one wants that, I can point out a couple of notable things.

I have never had “back fat” before this last weight gain that put me up to 350lbs. I noticed it in the last couple of months, areas of fat like slabs of meat hanging off my shoulder blades. It is very depressing. This morning I noticed that it’s all but gone. Another somewhat funny, but very humiliating part of my man fat is “Man Boobs” or “Moobs”. However you want to refer to it funny or not, the issue of having considerable fat on your chest as a man is very humiliating. The appearance of breast-like features is a horrible thing for a man to bear. For me it has always been a marker of considerable weight gain. I know that I have crossed the barrier of “acceptable” weight gain when they appear. I’m happy to say mine are almost gone! At least I’m getting some comfort early on in this process of weight loss. I guess it’s all about the small victories.

Body image is quite a complex thing for most fat people. How many times do we justify our weight when we find clothes that fit and/or slim our appearance? It’s like the fact someone makes clothes big enough to fit my fat physique has always given me this mental and emotional crutch to tell myself I’m not that fat and that I look good. The reality is standing in a mirror head-on may allow me to see an acceptable “body image”, a lie that says I’m not that fat, but I am in reality horribly fat. It is very strange, it is a sort of visual denial I can only imagine compares to the justification a drug addict uses when stealing from their family or friends.

The truth in body image for me has always been found in photographs. I love myself in the mirror quite often and loathe myself in the same clothes when photographed. The distance of view and context of being around other people and objects puts into perspective for me the massive shape that is my body. I am no longer going to lie to myself and tell myself I am thin by looking in the mirror. The real truth will come in inches and pounds. I will continue my journey of weight loss until I find myself at or below a 38 inch waist and closer to 200lbs. I am a big man, broad in the chest and standing a towering 6′4. But, this is no excuse of letting myself weigh in heavier then I should.

Goals are important and for body image my goals are simple. I want to wear no larger then a XL shirt and size 38 pants. That seems pretty cut and dry. Having these measurable goals in mind will allow me to continue on without excuses until I reach a healthy weight!

Sadly, my sleep issues continue and I’m a little more frustrated then before as I spent the night in a sleep lab trying out a CPAP mask. It was horrible! Aside from being awkward and uncomfortable, it did nothing to stop me from experiencing my normal sleeplessness and random awakening. The worst part about the whole experience is I am no closer to a sleeping solution then I was before. I guess I will resolve to just get less sleep until someone has another bright idea on how to treat me.The whole sleep issue, aside from the normal bad stuff of fatigue, irritability, etc. is preventing me from getting back on my bike and getting some regular exercise going again.Sounds like an excuse and maybe it is but I am having a hard time convincing myself to remount my bike and start peddling again. I find that odd because I really enjoy riding a great deal and felt like a million dollars after riding each morning last year. At my peak I was doing about 10 miles each morning averaging 16mph which is a good clip. I have been desperately missing my bike since last summer and though this week (being week 3 of Medifast) would be the week I got back in the saddle so to speak and back on the road. Well, so far that hasn’t happened and unless I catch up on some serious sleep.I am trying to be very mindful of my appetite and following the program… I know when I’m extremely tired I have a habit of doing food drive-by’s and snacking uncontrollably. I don’t feel any urges to do so thus far this morning, but being mindful of it before it becomes a problem is probably a good idea. That is the real stinker about bad habits, if you are not constantly mindful of them and the things that trigger them, a bad habit can sucker punch you out of no where. You realize you are doing it only after the damage is done!That’s it for now, hope everyone is having a good day on the program!

As I blog here, I try my best to keep up with comments and respond to all of you who reach out and leave kind words behind. I am as inspired by your comments as some of you are by reading my emotional journey on my weight loss program with Medifast. One comment in particular that I had previously overlooked really caught my attention today and I felt both the comment and my response belonged here on the front page so it would not go unread by new visitors.

Here is the comment left by Barbara Lee:

Hang in there Brett. You almost sound identical to my oldest son Michael. I love him so, and as his mom I have always tried to be supportive of him but he has never thought so. but when I read your blog about your health his has always been good, but he has always had a weight problem and I am sure I am to blame for the biggest problem there also by always telling him finish your food, all rewards were food related, my being from the south and cooking with enough flour and fattening foods to completely ruin anyone’s health, but now he is over 35 and when you made the statement about being over 35 I was just like you know he would say typical mom. I am worried that he believes all diets are bogus and all diet companies are trying to take your cash. I wish you could talk to him. His wife is a nurse and is very overweight herself. They are both around 6feet tall and I would say close to 400 pounds each. Maybe less but you know it is hard to tell when you are that big. I have been overweight all my life and I know the struggle, at present I am around 145,5?3? which all the charts say I am still 35 pounds overweight, well they should have seen me at 250 now that was good. But I now worry about my sons health would you consider a short word of advice to his wife, or just a copy of progressive obesity, turn on a light for both of them.

To Barbara Lee:

First and foremost there is no blame to lay on one person for your son’s weight. I would say that the weight problem he experiences and that I experience are a product of society in general and how we have evolved as a people. If you had raised him with smaller portions and healthy entrees the grim reality is that by the time he was a teenager he would most likely be eating junk like the rest of the country. We have unfortunately become a society of over-indulgence and instant gratification, so taking the blame for his situation is not warranted or going to do you any good. Remember he is an adult and has the power of choice at his fingertips.

As far as all diets being bogus and just out for money… well there is some truth to that statement. The weight loss industry is a multi-billion dollar monster and it grows with the waistlines of Americans each year. Are there bogus programs, drugs and exercise machines out here? Sure! I can tell you from experience that there is no miracle cure. No pill is going to make you lose weight without a change to your diet and exercise routines. No wonky exercise device will replace normal, healthy exercise patterns. The miracle cure is an urban legend, a unicorn of sorts all of us fat people reach for over and over again because deep down inside we know that what we have become took years and getting back to healthy will take just as long if not longer. More importantly it is hard work and it is a process of breaking a thousand bad habits.

So, are all weight loss products bad? No. There are lots of good plans out there, but they only work when followed. Medifast works because it isn’t a diet; it is a weight loss program. It isn’t a fad; it is a method of changing your lifestyle. But it only works if you want it and you follow it.

I realize your son and his wife are probably wrapped up in the same denial the rest of the obese population are and there is little anyone can say to change their thinking. The addiction to food is like any other addiction…the person has to want to lose the weight and has to want a lifestyle change. I have for years said I would put food addiction against heroin addiction any day of the week. Think about it, once you are addicted to food, you can’t just give it up like getting treatment for cocaine addiction or alcoholism where you simply abstain from consumption. You need food to survive! You have a much rougher journey ahead of you as you must learn to co-exist with your demons, you must master them. I would challenge anyone to say they can control any other addiction in that manner. It just doesn’t happen.

Again, this is a journey your son will not make unless he has reached a moment of clarity so to speak, a place where he wants his health and a normal life more then he wants a burger or some deep fried goodies. Although you may want to help him along the way, I’m not sure if there is any good way to do that. You can tell him you support him, but ultimately he needs to find the courage for himself.

One thing I can say for us fat people is that most of us are great liars and master manipulators. We make all sorts of excuses of how we got fat and why we continue to be fat. We talk about genetics, glandular problems, etc. and a host of other good excuses, but the simple reality is that we are fat because we do little to nothing to control our food intake in both volume and quality. Not “Super Sizing” your fast food meal isn’t healthy eating; it is just making an excuse of why it is okay to eat food we know isn’t good for us. We justify this and excuse away that. We are the masters of “it’s not my fault”.

I am a people watcher and one thing that strikes me as odd is how far fat people will go to defend our “rights”. I recall one group for the advancement of fat people as having lobbied to create a protected class for obesity and to force airlines to install bigger seats. Being fat isn’t something we should aspire to protect, we should work to reduce it. To me these folks represent the worst of the worst and are so wrapped up in denial they will never be able to find that point in life where the change is needed.

As far as age and health goes, I can tell you I was a healthy person up until about my 30th birthday despite being 300lbs most of my adult life. After coming down with a nasty flu virus, my underlying acid reflux flared up and caused Asthma and resulted in two years of misdiagnosis, multiple ER visits and two hospital stays of a week each. I have not fully recovered since and my weight as gone up considerably. I peeked about 2 years ago at 350, got back down to 285 and again this year found myself back at 350 pounds. It has been a difficult roller coaster to say the least and a very emotional part of my life.

I have now made a commitment to myself to see this through this time and even if I stumble along the way, I can still see the goal…I will get up and press on until I reach a point when my health is not a constant worry and my weight isn’t a physical and social limitation. If your son is going to make a change, he will have to make the same sort of personal commitment to do this for himself. He can’t do it for his wife, his kids, you or anyone else. He has to do it for himself and no one else. My heart goes out to you and your family and I hope you show him this post and he can find some truth in it.

I missed a couple of meals yesterday and I know exactly why… I was off my schedule. I normally eat some oatmeal first thing in the morning, then a breakfast bar, Lean & Green, shake in the afternoon, soup for dinner and then shake or pudding for dessert. It goes like clockwork and keeps me eating every 2-3 hours. Yesterday I started off on the wrong foot by missing my oatmeal after waking up late. By the time I got to work, I was a meal behind and I never got back into a good eating pattern. It is hard sometimes, I know that weight loss is a monster when we lead busy lives filled with work, school, children, friends, family and whatever else you can think of. It seems I spend most of my week just hurrying to get it over so I can have my weekend, but then just find myself busy with other things and before you know it the next week has arrived.

I know that if I am going to get to my goal, I have to focus on keeping a good eating schedule and not falling behind on meals or skipping them all together. This is further complicated by an almost complete lack of appetite after eating my one lean and green meal around noon. My stomach seems to have shrunk to the point where a small, healthy meal fills me up and then I struggle at times to get those other meals in… Which is why again, a schedule is critical.

Although tired and a little disappointed in myself this morning, I’m not that frustrated because I know today is a new day and I will be back on my eating schedule even if it requires me shuffling around some of the other things in life that seem so “important” at the time. It really is strange how we seem to rearrange our lives for things that we deem important when in all actuality if we fail to do those things at that specific time or at all, the world continues to function. I think my busy schedule and stressful job contributes a lot to a frenzied eating pattern for me. Instead of eating regularly throughout the day, I tend to feast. Getting fat for me wasn’t the result of constant eating or even always getting 3 meals a day… it was the result of me eating one or two really big meals because I didn’t have time for anything else. Combined with stress and anxiety over life’s little problems, I would comfort myself with the biggest burger on the menu or half a pizza in a sitting. Not really a healthy idea. Waiting until I was absolutely starving before I would eat caused me to eat huge portions.

That is behind me now and I am focused on eating more often and less at a time. I am working hard to not only follow the Medifast Program, but to engrain the eating patterns in my head so when I finish at my goal weight I can transition to a normal life and a more regulated eating pattern.

I’ve got some record keeping to set straight this morning as well as some progress to report. First and foremost, I can say that when I unofficially started the Medifast Program, I was at an even 350lbs. I started Medifast 3 days prior to actually beginning to blog here, so that weight I wasn’t counting. Upon further deliberation, I have decided to take back that 3 days and the weight lost during that time as I can attribute it to the Medifast Program. I didn’t count it originally because I’m a perfectionist at times and wanted to start and weigh-in on each Monday, something that didn’t factor into my start time for the program.

Anyway, as of this morning I am weighing in after 3 weeks at 329lbs. bringing my total weight loss to 21lbs! Wow… that makes me happy! Now a lot of folks have asked for loss in inches and this is something I have not tracked completely. However, this morning I was looking at my belt and counting notches and I would estimate I have lost a whopping 3 inches of waistline so far! My pants are fitting looser and I’m almost ready for a new belt! YAY!

Some other progress I have made along the way includes giving up my gallons of diet soda each day (I’m down to about 12-16oz of diet soda per day). For me this has been a tough deal. I don’t want to take an attitude of never drinking ANY diet soda ever, but I definitely want to limit my intake to one or two per day. I can say I feel a whole lot better without energy drinks and caffeine saturation. I still have some coffee here and there and a soda with my lean and green, but that is it. That may sound like a lot to some but for me, it is a huge lifestyle change. I had reached a point where I was waking up, drinking a 16 oz. low carb energy drink, following it mid morning with a 16 oz. bottle of diet soda, then another with lunch and yet another mid afternoon. Sometimes I would have another diet soda in the evening.

So you can see, I have cut WAY back and I can honestly tell you it has made a huge impact on my appetite. I would say for me, drinking diet soda fuels my cravings and is a clue to how I can make positive life changes. For me, this journey is all about change, not a temporary restriction in eating habits. I know if I don’t change the way I take in foods and drinks and start looking at the long term, I will be doomed to continue repeating the up and down weight cycle.

Anyway, enough for today. I just want to say that I really believe in the Medifast Program and I have no doubt that I will be successful!

I finally got to talk to my doctor this week about my sleep study results and she has ordered another test, this time with a CPAP mask to see if my sleep issues can be resolved. I have a number of things going on which lead to my sleeplessness, but Apnea seems to be the trigger. Even as I write this, it is 4:30 a.m. and I have been wide awake for almost 2 hours. I’m hoping for a resolution soon as I can feel the increased cravings and appetite in general as my number of restful hours goes down. I really don’t like the idea of looking like Darth Vadar while I’m sleeping and my wife feels the same, but if it means I get to sleep the whole night through and sleep deeply I’ll try anything. In case you aren’t aware, the CPAP mask is a device which straps to your face while you are sleeping and provides constant air pressure to keep the throat open. Hence, you end up looking like some sort of cyborg or something.

In other news, I got my new Medifast shipment and I broke into the box of Oatmeal Raisin bars. I can honestly say these are my favorite of all of the food products offered by Medifast. For me they fill in that craving for sweet foods and just taste good overall. I wouldn’t say I have ever been a sweet tooth, most of my weight came from fast food, drinking beer and other bad eating habits. But, from time to time I do crave a bit of the sweet stuff and having products like the Medifast bars around really helps to curb these cravings.

Speaking of sweet things, I can honestly say that I have only had 3 sodas all week since vowing to give them up. I’m drinking more than a half gallon of water a day and I usually only have a soda with my Lean & Green meal. I thought I would miss it a lot more than I do, but I just don’t have the cravings for it I once did. I find that having one 12 oz. can during the day more than satisfies my needs. On a less positive note, I thought cutting my caffeine intake to next to nothing would help me sleep, but I’m finding my sleep patterns unchanged.

Finally, I can say I learned something new last night while having Valentine’s Day dinner with my wife. She went to the store yesterday and got shrimp, steak and asparagus for our dinner, which I thought was super sweet of her to do. We cooked it all up and sat down to eat. It didn’t take long for me to realize we had more food then we needed, but I was unable to put the brakes on until it was too late. My previously cavernous stomach was hurting from over-eating, which by comparison to my previous food intake was still only a mid-sized meal. Apparently my stomach has shrunk substantially and that serves as a good reminder to not over-eat. It reminds me that I need to exercise portion control now and for the rest of my life…not just while I’m on the Medifast Program. After all, if I’m not learning good habits of food choice and portion sizes, what good will this whole experience do me in the long run?

Some say it takes 30 days to form a new habit, others say 90 days. I’m not sure if that is true, but in the middle of my 3rd week of Medifast I’m finding that I have formed new eating habits and they bring with them some comfort. To be perfectly honest, I’ve been having a struggle with cravings, little “cheats” here and there and overall temptations of food. But, I made some changes this week and I think I have finally past that barrier of the “new habit” where my daily diet is concerned. I no longer find myself wanting food that isn’t on the Medifast program. I found that even though I’m not hungry at the time, if I have my meals in a timely manner (every 2-3 hours) I have no cravings what-so-ever.

I think this is an important milestone for me, as most of the time I have failed to lose weight in the past was due to cravings and giving in to temptations. I have a really warped set of emotions and rationales when it comes to food. I always find myself ordering food or preparing food and before I even take the first bite, I have always felt this little tugging panic that says “is there enough?” “Will I be hungry again after?” You would think with that kind of associated panic I would have some sort of history or childhood where food wasn’t available. That is hardly the case, I grew up in a stable family where food was never an issue.

In addition to those feelings, I always feel a sense of depression when my food is gone. This feeling of emotional emptiness when my meal is done. I think this comes from two things. Number one, I am an emotional eater and in times of stress, anxiety or depression, I turn to food as a comfort and I let it be there for me. Number two, I use food to fill times of boredom in my life. This can be especially true at work, as I realized in the last couple of days that I was drinking a ton of diet soda, not because I was thirsty but because getting a soda and drinking it was filling in a slight bit of boredom for me. It was keeping me somewhat sane at work.

I guess now would be a good time to divulge another little fact about me since I’m being personal. I have ADHD and I have it bad. Some people don’t believe it to be a real affliction, others know all too well it is. Whatever your thoughts on it, I can tell you that my mind goes 200 mph pretty much all the time and nothing is worse for me than having nothing to do. I don’t take naps, I don’t like to just “chill” or hang around. I can’t even be a proper couch potato without something intellectually stimulating on the television unless it is one of those times where I’m so mentally exhausted that I just want to “veg”. I tell you all of this because it is therapeutic for me to admit to each of these little contributing factors to my obesity. By admitting them, I am acknowledging them and telling myself “this behavior is wrong, stop it!”

To tie up this long thought, I can tell you that the Medifast Program works, if you work it. By that I mean, drink plenty of water, stay away from carbs in your lean & greens (and drive-bys in the kitchen) and above all get in all 5 Medifast meals in a special manner (every 2-3 hours) rather than piling them up or skipping meals. I have found that doing these things gets me out of the bad habits and into some new ones that will help me be successful long after I have completed the program. The goal isn’t to hit X number of pounds and go back to eating like a hog, I need to hit that goal weight and have a plan and ingrained habits that will help me keep it off for good!